Blogging isn’t easy. Blogging consistently for 5 years is a feat of nature. Lately I’ve been silenced.
For most of the time, I’ve written fairly anonymously. I use my real first name, but I’ve given my children pseudonyms to protect them from some job interview, application or future situation in which they rather not have the story about the one time they shoved PBJs in my VCR or tried to flush hot wheels and Power Miners down the toilet while playing tsunami in the bathroom. (Ew. just ew.)
And writing behind that veil is pretty easy. But my professional careers are to the point that they require actual contracts, real contact information, and the veil of anonymity doesn’t cut it professionally.
And suddenly, the content of my blog feels heavy. I am much more cautious about what I may expose about my sons if it can be associated with their real identities. My archives have been stripped of certain posts. I spent days thinking about this, and even caught myself pacing in my kitchen about this decision. I have always been very forthcoming with our boys’ stories. There is a great need for parents to choose to be advocates for the causes near and dear to them. However, I strongly believe those stories can be told by my son when he is ready to share them, if he chooses to share them. And while I am willing to advocate for the causes near and dear to us, I will not do so at any expense for his future.
But I spent a good time in reflection about the audience I am losing. The moms who are aching, feel alone and isolated. I get several emails a year that spill out hauntingly beautiful, aching stories of love, loss, and miracles. Packing up those posts removes the stories that bring them to Life with my 3 Boybarians. I will miss those connections.
In the end, the mother-hen inside me – the one who loves her kids so fiercely she sometimes thinks her heart may burst – that mom had a decision to make. And I will always fight for the best end result for my boys, even if the pay off isn’t for years and years.
How do you protect the ones you love on your blog? Do you blog with a pseudonym? Do you use your child(ren)’s names? I’d love to hear what influences your decision and comfort level with your kids’ information online.
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I use pseudonym’s for my husband and son. I will sometimes but rarely use their real names. My son’s name is plastered all over the walls of his room. I will show photos. My husband works for a major company and I work in law enforcement. I do not use our last name. I’m subject to testifying in court, etc. I just can’t be “Googleable”, I keep my blog mostly Pg-13, but you never know who is out there. But in person, I will tell you my life story, what I do, etc. I just want to be able to pay my mortgage every month.
Julie {Angry Julie Monday}´s last blog ..Kindergarten Orientation Night
You are doing a good job protecting your children. I live in a town whose population is about 12,000. We both have spent a lot of time in a neighboring town going to school and working. But now my daughter and I are back in our hometown. The most surprising thing to us is that everyone knows something about everyone’s family. Who each are related to. Who knows this doctor and that lawyer and who is protected by their associations and who is not. On and on. As the economy worsens we are also in public positions and the manipulations and down right lies that are being told to get jobs these days are unbelieveable. I think what you put out there matters greatly.
You are a caring mom and doing a good job protecting your boys.
I use my name, and don’t think I’ve ever used my husband or children’s names. If I have, I have gone back and deleted those posts. There are posts just from last week that I’ve edited or removed altogether. It is tricky and constantly on my mind how to share myself and not exploit my family. Not an easy task.
Emily@remodelingthislife´s last blog ..Gussy Giveaway
i am so shocked to be in so much same wave length as you.
If you do have time, do follow my new blog’s link and that was exactly i was talking about, 2 days ago.
very good decision Darcy, i am very proud of you.
shraddha´s last blog ..Blogging Tips – Privacy Is Essential
I have thought about this a lot…just need to do it. I have their names all over the place. It’s time, thanks for the push!! Seriously it’s one of those things that’s been on my ‘to do’ list for months and just haven’t got around to it. It’s a smart way to go.
Jessica @ These Are The Days´s last blog ..So Much More Than A Paycheck… (Repost)
Sending you some encouragement, because back peddling can be a big task! You go, girl!
You know, we’ve developed such a nice, warm, fuzzy community among ourselves that we’re probably prone to forget that not all the world is quite so warm and fuzzy. Hmmm.
I’ve used my kids’ names a few times. For awhile I avoided it altogether, but then I realized that they were using their own first names online, so now I use them, too. But it probably behooves me to be a little more careful.
My boys have gotten a kick out of what I’ve posted about them so far. I post pretty selectively about them. I don’t mind airing my own dirty laundry, but I don’t air theirs. Your comments here make me think I should probably be even more careful.
Take care of yourself, Mother Hen. Love you.
Richella´s last blog ..Is it really that easy?
You bring up a good point – at some age and time – they will be old enough to make a decision about their role around here. Until then, we have to make the decision we are comfortable with.
Those kids who are growing up online – as public spectacles – they won’t really get a choice. By the time they are old enough to have an opinion, their every move will have been chronicled online. It will be interesting to hear their opinion on the matter.
Love you, too, gf. You are wise.
I made the switch to more anonymity last year. I’m so thankful that I did.
Ruthanne´s last blog ..Photography Resources, Tips & a Surprise!
On our family and homeschooling blog I don’t use my boys’ names. Mainly because I’m not sure how they would feel 20 years from now if someone Googled them and their potty training progress came up! Actually, I am pretty sure how they would feel!
Sandra´s last blog ..B Is for Balloons & Brown Bear
I have never really thought about it, and use names. I have noticed others like you do not….I just figured not many people see my blog and I was not needing the same kind of privacy you do. Is that naive??
Samantha´s last blog ..I Love You More!
I don’t think any blogger starts out with a ton of traffic, and sometimes those traffic surges are sudden and serendipitous. It’s hard to know when or what will push your blog into the eyes of many.
As a result, I think many – like you – don’t have a plan for their privacy out of the gate. I know I didn’t.
I removed the sidebar pics the day I read your post (the one that had the kids first and middle names…) and I edited my about me to say we have 6 kids, (not the names and ages).
Samantha´s last blog ..I Love You More!
you know i don’t use my husband’s or kids’ names. they didn’t ask to be out there so i don’t put them out there. i find that i’m writing less specifically about them as they get older. the little ones though, i can’t help but talk about them.
melissa stover´s last blog ..“I wanna dance” ~ I Heart Faces photo challenge
I have blog names for my kids. I use my first name and my husbands first name which is a nickname, but I got his permission first. For a long time, years, I didn’t have his name on my blog. Unfortunately you can google my whole name and find me. But my last name is not on my blog and I don’t talk about what city I live in, just general area and I am pretty conscious of not putting exact locations specific to my home town on my blog. I can say I went to walmart because their are a gazillion, but I won’t put that little boutique that only exists here. KWIM? Unfortunately with FB, our names are plastered all over the place. Even maiden names for many people. We seem to be free to mention our real names there as if it were a safe place, but the reality is that even there it isn’t likely safe. I applaud your decision to make the best choices for your family.
That’s pretty smart actually – not naming small boutiques that are unique to your area.
I also tell people to look in the background of their photos. Is the house number, license plate or other revealing info in the image?
As for Facebook – I solved that by making my FB name be “MyThree Boybarians.” But I do understand most people don’t want to go that far, and will selectively choose their friends on FB anyway.
I think it is a good choice. I don’t use anybody’s name but mine. I just use their initials. I also don’t blog about a lot of stuff because it would reveal information about us that I don’t want people to know (the name of our school, town, etc.).
I try to protect my kids and husband as well. I also use pseudonyms and am careful to preview photos to be sure their school name or something else is readable. (it’s surprising the amount of detail in a room can be picked up by clicking on the photo to enlarge!) I guess I really began to look at these things after checking my Google analytics and seeing some of the strange searches that yielded my blog. Things that were unrelated to anything I typed and totally inappropriate. Creepy.
But, in other respects I try to be as real as possible with some of my stories and plan to ask forgiveness if they ever find the one about our discussion of the birds and the bees later in life
Jennifer Juniper´s last blog ..How Much Is Too Much? Feedback Friday
I use my name but use pseudonyms for my family and I don’t disclose our town. I guess someone could figure it out if they really wanted to. I keep my fb life separate from my blog. I think you’re doing the right thing…you have to do what feels right and what is best for your family.
jen@odbt´s last blog ..do you hear that?
I am fascinated by this whole topic and by what people choose to reveal or not. I have never put a photo of my girls on my blog and probably never will. That just seems waaaay too “out there” for me. But I do write about my girls quite a bit. They are older (two teenagers and a pre-teen), so I think it’s even trickier than writing about younger kids. At the very beginning of my blog, we talked through whether or not they wanted a pseudonym or not. One did not–she has her own blog anyway–but the other two did. As time went on, my middle daughter got very uncomfortable with my writing anything about her (she’s very private), so I don’t really write about her at all anymore. My youngest, on the other hand, doesn’t care much about what I write. In fact, on Monday of this week I wrote a parenting post and used her as an example. I read it all to her before I posted and got her permission to use that story. I think as your kids get older you’ll just have to have more conversations with them to gague their level of comfort with the blog.
My husband does not want me to use his name because of his job. Of course, anyone who knows him would be able to figure out who he is because my name is out there. Oh well.
I think it’s all about communicating with your family. Really, my blog is not my own–it reflects them too, so I need to be respectful of them.
Shelly @ Life on the Wild Side´s last blog ..You’d think that after 25 years of marriage we’d be better at it
As a mom of teens – i’m so glad you weighed in. It’s interesting how you handle it when the decision is not yours alone, but the teens, too. I also wonder how it changes when the kids are old enough to read your blog themselves.
Love that you weighed in. Thanks!
I have gone back and forth as well with this issue. As a reader – I tire of countless blogs with cutsie names for their kiddos. A name is a name. I prefer the name given at birth for my child. I do have my nick name – Pebblekeeper – it makes it easier, as there are so many Angies out there.
But give us a few stories now and then to spew coffee at the computer screen every once in a while and take the seriousness out of all of our ramblings. 
One area that I came to grips of a couple of years ago in blogging, graphic design and scrapbooking – what was my purpose for the listener? I was having a hard time finding two things – What do homeschoolers do all day, after the workbooks are done, and What do the Upper Grades do? I hope that my writings answer those two questions. Looking back at the earlier ages – I can see pride written all over the scrapbooks – Look how cute they are, look how great I am, look how talented my art is, look how funny they are. I decided – I ‘d like to show what we do – how we live – to the Glory of God – to the encouragement of other moms – to start or continue homeschooling.
At some point, their names come up, but I’m using words like Older Brother or such so the search is not intent on their real names, not using their whole names. However, anyone who knows us, could easily find our home, our phone number, and our information – Oh – its been like that for years, its called a phone book.
If hiding information due to fear – I’d question that. If you are sharing too many poop stories – um, you might want to question that too.
Angie/Pebblekeeper´s last blog ..Thanks Uncle Sam
I switched to nicknames last year because of what you’ve said on the subject
I don’t share anything very personal about my kids, but still. I never share anything negative, or that might seem negative to them one day. Sometimes I think I’d like to write about something I’ve through, but it would mean sharing something they’ve gone through, and I won’t do it. Yeah, I’d like to help other moms who have been in similar situations, but my kids come first, and I will always protect their privacy. If they want to share those stories when they grow up, then that is up to them.
You are a great mom
Angela @ Homegrown Mom´s last blog ..Routines, Rituals, and Traditions
I think your blog is a great example of a delicate balance… blogging about the kids peripherally. They are mentioned, but not as the sole focus of the blog.
I think you’re a great mom, too.
I don’t know, Darcy. I am so wishy washy about this. On the one hand I am comforted by the fact that the boys’ last name is different from mine. I’ve never mentioned their last name on my blog. With the new baby coming though I have given serious thought as to how to handle it. His last name will be known. Here I am pregnant and while we are tossing around real names for him we are also entertaining blog names for him. Geesh.
Still, even with all of that in mind, we are completely traceable to someone intent on finding us. One look at my Facebook page and reading of comments will show that there are certain people who are related to my boys and their presence alone reveals the boys’ last name. Anyone who reads it can figure it out. So now what? I can’t control what they write. I can’t ask them to take their last names off of their profiles for my kids’ sake. They even share stories and photos about my kids so even if I used pseudonyms for them it wouldn’t make a difference because they would be exposed by someone else that I have no control over. Our church and community even post their photos and stories about them for sports and other activities. I almost feel like it is a battle that I couldn’t win anyway and I would rather maintain some control by posting the good things and the funny, happy stories about them.
Hmmpphhh. I hate this topic because I am so unsure about it. I tell stories about my kids all the time but nothing that I think would prevent them from getting a scholarship or job in the future. In fact, I often wonder if it will help. I mean, they are growing up and one day they will have their own Facebook account. Those teens and early 20s are no laughing matter. I often wonder if I am raising them well enough that they will live with integrity and that they will present themselves in an appropriate way. I was youth leader for almost two years and I’ve seen even the “best” Christian kids post private or inappropriate things on their social networking accounts.
…what if my boys mess up?
Then my hopes are that my stories of the true nature of my child will shine over his mistakes so that they can see who he truly is. Maybe if they see him through my eyes then they can look past his young adult mishaps. But then I think of Gevan’s struggles as a little person and for the most part I believe, like you, that that is his story to tell, not mine. I have only shared a couple of times about the struggles I have as a mom to a little person but the things we talk about in private are just that – private – until he is ready to share. I have certain boundaries but the rest is so cloudy for me.
I also know how easy it is to find even those who don’t want to be found or known. We work with ministries that combat sex trafficking. Most of their business is done online under assumed names. Even the “best” of these can be traced back to reveal their true identity and all of their assumed names. With today’s technology it isn’t difficult. We’re tweeting, texting, putting our life out there on Facebook and blogs, selling our personal belongings on eBay and Craig’s list, and let’s not forget that we when we put our phone number out there it is just like handing over a family album. Even if you don’t give the number out it is impossible to obtain anything without giving a phone number which, unless you pay them $14 extra a month, is traceable to the point of telling people exactly where you live. Then I know your names and I can look at your house on Google earth. I’m almost to the point of just living life as a testimony with a few boundaries that I feel led to keep and trust God to protect us from the rest. I certainly can’t protect them from this technology without giving all of it up and even then I can’t make others give it up so we are still exposed!
Can you tell that I really struggle with this one?
Amy Bayliss´s last blog ..Giveaways galore happenning here…
This was beautifully thoughtful.
I’ve really not given it much thought here lately. I know a year or so ago, I freaked out and made my blog private, and only invited readers were given the password. I hated it because I felt like I was not connecting with other mommy bloggers. {which are by far my favorite} So, I came out of hiding.
As far as names go, I use our real names, or do I? ha! No, really I use our real names and never really thought to do otherwise. When I first started blogging, I had no clue how big the bloggy world was. I thought it would just be my friends and family stopping by. Never in a million years did I think some of my best friends would live inside my computer. Or that some creepy guy {or girl} would run across my blog googling not-so-nice things. {cause of hiding}
And the girls, want to be on the blog. Beg for me to type up stuff about them or put their pictures on there. To the point of driving me crazy! I do believe they want to take it over. Just today, they were making another video begging that I put it on. I have found that the older Emily & Audrey get I do not type very personal things about them. Several of their friends’ moms read my blog, and I think it would embarrass them if kids started teasing them about something they did or said
Anyhoo, sorry to ramble.
Michelle´s last blog ..Wedding Bells
Ha! That they ask to be featured.
“Several of their friends’ moms read my blog, and I think it would embarrass them if kids started teasing them about something they did or said.” Great point!
I used pseudonyms for years… but once my name was out there in print along with my bio, well… it isn’t hard to make the connection. It doesn’t help that I was smart enough to be creative with my email and HSB account name– yup, drewsfamilytx… does it get any easier to figure out my last name and the state I live in?
And then once Christian passed, I wanted everyone to know his real name! Sure he will always be Dozer to me in many ways, but the name that I miss on my lips is Christian.
I go back and forth on all of this. Like Melissa said, I do write less and less about them the older we get. I have a vague plan of what I will do with my blog content. It has always been a type of journal for me. Once I get my rear in gear and move my HSB posts over, I want to have a blog book made with all the pictures and stories of my kids. And once the book is made, I plan on deleting, deleting, deleting! Rarely does anyone look back into my archives anyway… I’ll probably leave some recipes, our journey through grief, and perhaps the stories of Christian… just because. My problem is finding the time or making the time to get it all done.
The other side of me is with AmyB… I’m wishy washy on the whole thing. Anyone who really wants to find us can easily do so. But a google search by prospective employers? Yah, that makes me want to get a move on!
Marsha´s last blog ..God gives a song
I watched as your blog moved from semi-private to “outted” when Christian passed. I totally understood wanting the world to know about his life so we could understand how special he is. And I’ve been watching how you’ve handled your boys’ names since then, too. You have a unique situation in that you blog so that his name will be remembered, so that his stories can be out there for all to remember. And at the same time, you still have to balance that with the privacy your older boys will want. It’s an interesting and thoughtful dynamic, for sure, and I’m so glad you weighed in. xoxo
Darcy, this post is just one more example of why I admire you and appreciate your wisdom.
A couple of months back I had some people find my blog who left me very nasty comments aimed at my mothering abilities. I knew there was no truth in what they said, and while it gave my husband and I something to laugh about, it also made me pause and rethink how I blog. And I got a little scared too. I always felt like I didn’t have a particular “subject” to blog about. I used to just blog about my life which includes my kids, my husband, homeschooling and lots of DIY projects. Lately, I’ve decided to narrow it down to mainly just the DIY stuff for the sake of my kids. I pulled a bunch of posts that talked about our family and homeschooling. Anything with their picture in it even.
From the very beginning I’ve never used my husband’s name, my kids’ names or even our last name. Never mentioned the state we live in, either. But over time, I did loosen up a bit on some things because I wondered if I was being freakishly paranoid. Have you seen how many Big Name Mama Bloggers make everything public? (And I do mean, EVERYTHING). It made me wonder if I was over-reacting. Many times I’ve wished there was a resource, a way for me to know exactly how much and how little I should share over the internet. Some people say “don’t worry so much!” others say “once it’s on the internet, it’s there forever”.
Your point of view and the thought you’ve obviously put into this subject is important to me. I’ve noticed your silence lately and thank you for sharing what you’ve been thinking in regards to privacy and blogging. I hold your opinion, on all matters of blogging, in high regard.
BlueCastle´s last blog ..Sunshine
Thank you for your sweet words. xoxo
I have always blogged under a pseudonym, but started out not too careful about my personal information. I used my kids’ real first names, had my hometown listed on my blog. But after hearing from YOU at i_blog, and from other bloggers about their identity concerns (like the fact that what you put online will be there FOREVER, and my kids may one day read it and not be pleased), I took everything underground. I refer to my kids as “younger daughter,” “middle daughter,” and “son.” My husband is “husband.” My location is “Midwest.” I feel safer this way. My story, like yours, is near and dear to my heart and I want nothing more than to give the parents of a child with Down syndrome a shimmer of hope in their dark hours. But I can do that without revealing my true identity. If a relationship builds with a reader, over time I may privately reveal more about myself. You’re smart. You’re doing right by your kids. And you’re so very talented!
Mimi Ruse´s last blog ..She’s out to get me
I was waiting for another SN parent to weigh in and I’m so very glad you did. Kindred spirits, we are. Thank you!
There’s such a delicate balance between keeping it real and what’s ’safe’ or appropriate, huh? I never expected to have a blog, but trying to preserve family memories was becoming a monumental task. Posting memories online until they make it into a scrapbook was our answer. We’ve always felt like staying somewhat anonymous was a safe way of avoiding some of the awkward ‘lurking’. Setting our blog to private would have made it too difficult to stay in touch with family and make new mommy friends. For now, our girls love the idea of having their lives on a public domain. They are funny, those two.
Of course, we will always have to be conscience of what we post. I don’t want to give my children any more reason to be in therapy. Haha!
Kuddos to you for filtering posts for the sake of family.
H-Mama @ Family Team´s last blog ..One day at a time…
Keeping in touch with family was the reason I started blogging on a public domain, too.
“I don’t want to give my children any more reason to be in therapy. ” lol!
Eek, maybe I should make attempts at making things private. I use names of everyone in our family right down to the pets.
I’ve never used our last name, but comment locationally often. I don’t feel that I have a huge readership so I haven’t been concerned, but maybe I should be more cautious. Thanks for the post.
i’ve never used family member names, and upon the suggestion of a fellow homeschool mom, I ask the kids for permission to put their photo up on the blog. Some discretion is used, because like you said, we don’t know the future of the child. I use my best judgement. Family is an audience that relies upon my posting, however sporadic. I do not plan to go subscription only. And I support you in your decision. I know one mom who won’t post more than a profile, no quarter front or full front face. Then again, I’ve never gotten very personal in my content, which is something I struggle with. People are drawn to the person and her story.
You nailed the struggle – the human stories are so poignant. So powerful. So achingly beautiful. And at the same time, so personal.
Maybe I need to write a book under a nom de plume.
I don’t use my husband’s real name or our children’s real names on the blog. I don’t blog about a lot of things because that is the deal I made with Big Daddy. I’m an all in kind of person so if someone knows me IRL they know what I don’t blog about.
I’m sure I’ve ticked a few people off when I wouldn’t accept their friend request on Facebook. I choose to keep my Facebook account private. There are more personal stories, goings on and photos that Big Daddy just doesn’t feel should be shared with strangers, so I respect that. Some people use their Facebook for networking, but I don’t. I don’t care if I have 1,000 friends.
Its all so new that I’m figuring it out as I go along.
But certainly my children shouldn’t ever have to pay for decisions I make.
Especially if it could affect their job choices.
Karin Katherine´s last blog ..The world is all a Twitter…
See, when I started blogging, it was just me, talking to myself. My husband read it. Some of my friends read it, but only when I would send them a link. But I had been seeing some of my favorite bloggers go through privacy issues, and decided from the get-go to be pretty conservative on that front. So I have no photos of my kids’ faces, and have not used their names. I use only my first name on the blog, and have mentioned the state I live in but nothing more specific than that. I mention where we’ve been, but not where we are going to be. I love seeing other folks share their kids’ photos, but I just can’t do it. Anyway, I was glad to have chosen a more careful route when stories from my blog got picked up on other big-time websites, and I found myself with a flood of traffic from strangers. It is a delicate balance, to share enough to be useful to other moms out there, but to be mindful of how everything will appear a) to a not-so-nice stranger, and b) to your kids when they’re older. And yes, the internet is forever — I try to remind myself of that. It’s one of the reasons I don’t do a lot of kids-say-the-darndest-things kind of posts — that stuff has a limited shelf life.
I’ve only been blogging for a couple of months. I made a decision at the beginning that I wouldn’t use my kids’ names. My son is #1son and my daughter is M&M. I’ve only posted one photo that showed their faces and then I regretted it later.
Carolyn´s last blog ..My Family Rules
I don’t often blog, and I don’t have kids, so my opinion is differently from the outside looking in.
Anonymity on the web is a tricky thing to have. I don’t regret being open with my data, but that’s my choice. My fiancée’s first name is used on my site, but I don’t thing her surname is. I would strongly urge anyone who has maintained such discretion about the names of family members to keep on doing so.
When they are older, and maybe want to start their own blog, and happen to say “And hey, you know what? All the stuff I’ve done up until now can be found on this site where I was referred to as X”, then that is their own personal choice. As you said the other day (retweeed from someone else I think) – sometimes it’s not our story (on in this case, details) to tell.
Consider why all the mothers are sharing details about their family life anyway. They want to give an insight into their life, or use it as an outlet for whatever reason. The personality that they can build up about their children still “works”, even if they are known by the readers by their nicknames. There’s not a lot to gain revealing true names to the world.
I am so tickled to see the masculine opinion on this. Thank you so much for weighing in.
I wasn’t meant for my comments to be from a masculine viewpoint, but they certainly were written as someone who uses the web a fair bit every day
Is there an underlying difference between how an average Dad blogger and Mum Blogger approach this topic?
I’m pretty easy to find on the Internet if you know my name. And because our lives are so public already (my hubby is a pastor) I don’t really try to hide stuff. But I do have google analytics on my site and check to see how people get to my site. I have changed blog addresses before due to someone spending an hour reading old posts. Which freaked me out, but it hasn’t stopped me from blogging. I’m all for safety on the net and out and about, but have never really been concerned about embarassing my family twenty years from now, but maybe I should
With your husband in the role of “public servant”, I suppose it would change how you blog since he is already in the public spotlight – at least within your small church community. Interesting…
I have just started blogging and it is something I have also thought about. I love the idea of blogging and sharing ideas and stories, but I personally would rather keep my family’s identity private. We live in a small town where it is hard enough to keep a private life. I am not even too sure about posting pictures of the boys (hubby included). I figure I share those with my friends & family on FB, where I am very cautious about who I add as a friend. Call me paranoid, but my husband watches too many crime shows both non-fictional and fictional and I think anyone is a potential stalker! lol
Phew! Another excuse not to start blogging!
You are an awesome mama, Darcy, and I think you do a wonderful job protecting and advocating for your sweet boybarians. You put a lot of thought and effort into it and they will be all the better for it.
xoxo
Awwwww man! And yours would be so well-written, too. At least we have FB.
Thanks, gf.
I’ve been following the comments on this post. This has been something I’ve been thinking quite a bit about lately, having conversations with my husband about and trying to figure out what the best way to proceed is. This along with simply managing my time online has really on my mind a lot in the last few weeks.
Not sure yet what my decision will be or what direction I’ll go. The first year I blogged I blogged privately. It was purely for the family and friends who weren’t near us to have contact and see the kids grow up in a more personal way than the random email picture sent. I don’t blog for money or for any other reason. The tricky thing has been that I’ve really connected with fellow moms out there. Women who I know if I met IRL I would have so much in common with and have a good time with. Do I go private and potentially not only lose them as readers but also miss out on other women I could meet? How important is that really? Not that online friendships aren’t important but are they so important that I’m willing to put my family out there? I don’t blog about our last name, where we live and I’ve always, always tried to be respectful of my husband and children. My guiding rule is if I wouldn’t tell this to their face then I shouldn’t be writing it.
It’s a hard question for me to answer but one worth asking and and a question I’m trying to find an answer to I can live with.
Becca~TimeWellSpent´s last blog ..Rest
I assume it will be your children visiting you in the nursing home and not us… but friendships are forged in the most unlikely of places.
And I don’t think it needs to be mutually exclusive – all or none – I think this is a case of moderation.
And self-discipline. Looooooots of self-discipline.
I agree about the friendships and have plans to meet for the first time a fellow blogger in person this spring~I’m SO excited:)
The self-discipline~oh the self-discipline. Maybe that is the best way of naming what I struggle with!
Becca~TimeWellSpent´s last blog ..Rest
I’m happy for you! People are often surprised how authentic those relationships can be.
And, yeah. I’m sooo with ya’ on the other.
I struggle with this issue a lot.
18 months ago I basically stopped writing about my family unless it directly had to do with my niche, home encouragement. It was easy for me to stop because I was trying to refine my blog and make it more niche focused but many people asked why I stopped showing as many photos and telling vacation stories. I think it would be really hard if your blog is specifically about your family, but I’m sure it can be done.
I also write anonymously and try not to use my real name unless I’m in person with people however, I think that just creates more interest and you certainly don’t have to be a rocket surgeon to find my real name…it’s Agatha.
*snort* Aggie – I can’t believe you just spilled the beans on my blog!
I’ve noticed that you’ve refined your blog to a narrower niche-market. And I can say for certain that it’s not hurt your traffic, m’dear. And maybe that’s the stuggle… my niche is simply my existence. And like me, it’s eclectic, random, guilty of bouts of whimsy and total non-sense, at times serious, but mostly non-essential info.
Leaving out such a huge part of my day-to-day existence isn’t really “Life” with my 3 boybarians, is it?
Love that your niche is your existence. But, since I know there are other things you don’t reveal I am CONFIDENT that you can still have a meaningful connection with all the women here without compromising any info you feel belongs to your boys alone.
I love your words in this post:
“But I spent a good time in reflection about the audience I am losing. The moms who are aching, feel alone and isolated. I get several emails a year that spill out hauntingly beautiful, aching stories of love, loss, and miracles. Packing up those posts removes the stories that bring them to Life with my 3 Boybarians. I will miss those connections.”
And you worded it so perfectly, you are such a fantastic writer, I think you could write about doing your taxes and I would feel connected to you. But I can understand mourning the loss of the connection with women who have gone through the same heartaches/joy/unknowns that you have.
Basically, you are a really good mom. And writer. And designer. And friend.
The Nester´s last blog ..Giveaway Day
I totally respect and appreciate your point-of-view on this. I don’t have kids, but the posts I do of kids close to me like nieces & nephews, I do use their real first names. Never last names. And I never have my own last name on my blog. I certainly understand the fierce need to protect. Once I have kids, I’m guessing I will be the same way. Sorry it was such a hard decision, but like you said, I’m sure it will pay off one day. Kudos to you for not taking some easy road, but taking the harder and more narrow road when you knew it was the best for those closest to you.
On a side note, I’ve been behind since Thanksgiving on my fav blogs and it’s nice to be getting back in the game! I’ve missed reading your blog!
Rochelle´s last blog ..An Eventful Saturday
You bring up another good point – how to you handle other people’s kids on your blog?
I don’t use other children’s names on my blog. My kids’ friends or my friends’ kids, for example, show up once in awhile from field trips or get-togethers. Children I photograph professionally – I don’t even use their names publicly either. I just feel like it’s not my information to reveal, even if their parents choose to.
Since you talk about family members – that’s a whole new dynamic. Interesting food for thought!
This is a subject that I have recently had to look closely at. I found that a local person(who I knew) seemed to be stalking me through my blog…and in real life. I have never really worried about the anonymous reader or the reader in a different state, but the local readers concerned me a bit (if I was not close friends with them). On my blog, I use our first names only with my husband’s name being an initial. That is great for the big picture, but for the person from church who knows me and reads my blog it takes it to a different level. I found that I had someone far too interested in our every action…hourly. My blog was a perfect tool for her to stay tuned to our every detail(and then also give us house drive-bys,and more, etc). I was sad to have to go private because I really enjoyed making new friends through blogland…some that became real-life friends. But the stress of being watched too closely by 1 person opened my eyes to what people are capable of. With all of that….I say-if you write personal stories about your family-keep your blog private. If you are sharing general stories, various ideas/tips, etc-then a public blog with some anonymous names is a great idea. Just my 2 cents-but I’m also someone who JUST had to go private, I’m still adjusting to it…the loss of comments and meeting new friends.
Ohhhh, Mimi. I’m sorry. I would be weirded out, too. And perhaps you raise a good point – if we’re much more comfortable with those at a safe distance reading our blogs, maybe we’re revealing too much.
I have several local people read my blog, and I’m pretty comfortable with it. I’ve met most of them, and they are really good people who share many of the same interests, same struggles, same stinkin’ awful weather.
If something happened to me, like happened to you though, I bet I’d reevaluate really quickly.
I had a blog on homeschoolblogger and one day in my email I found that someone had contacted me about homeschool information because of it and it wasnt anything major just normal questions and i didnt have anything on the blogg about my kids names just initals. but it freeked me out!! so i went and deleated EVERYTHING! I live in a small town and everyone knows you business anyway so i didnt want to give anyone a reason to talk about me or my family. i have thought about doing another one. and using fake names and stuff but i am so scared that someone could use information to kidnapp or hurt my kids. I got alot of information about homeschooling in my area from someones blogg so i know the importance of helping someone but for me it is just to big of a risk. i dont even have a facebook acct. lol.
Thank you all – each of you who took time to respond. You are all such a thoughtful, conscientious bunch. And I’m lucky that you all live in my computer. I’m grateful for the comments and the emails. xoxoxo!
Big sigh from me. Because I can relate. I’ve never used my husbands name or my boys names…I don’t think so, anyway. And I’ve always stayed personally anonymous for the sake of my family.
Not that I’m afraid some psycho-stalker is going to come rob me of my children and my spray paint. It’s just that I don’t want someone to be able to search on my kid’s names and find them on my blog a few years down the road. Same thing for my husband. He’s a pretty private guy and I wouldn’t want him to have to deal with someone at work saying “Hey! I saw the inside of your bedroom on your wife’s blog yesterday. Nice undies on the floor!”
That left me with a huge dilemma for Blissdom this year. I felt like I had to use a last name since I was speaking. I guess I could have gone all Madonna and stuck with just Kimba but it felt a bit pretentious. So I debated using my maiden name…which I don’t like. Or even coming up with a blogging pseudonym. I have a hilarious list of names given to me by a good friend. In the end, I just flipped a coin and went with my real name.
I still don’t have it anywhere on my blog and I’ll keep it that way. And I’ll still keep my family anonymous. At least that way it will take a little more effort than a casual name search to make the connection.
But I’m really struggling as I try and evolve my blog from a House Blog to a Home Blog. By design, that requires a little more personal stuff so I’m trying to find the balance.
Kimba´s last blog ..DIY Day with Lisa Leonard Designs
Kimba, I like your goal–to move from a house blog to a home blog.
You are so approachable and empathetic in person. I can only think how bringing out the real you will enhance the decor.
Meredith ´s last blog ..How To Calm Down When Someone Paints On The Dining Room Table
I’m late to the comment party but I was so moved by your post and point of view that I just had to reply. I’m pretty much in tears, in fact, I was so moved.
Yes, I do use pseudonyms for my family and I’m careful about my content. For instance, when the Hubs was deployed I didn’t post locations, details, etc. My family is a huge part of my blogging subject matter, but I’m feeling a change in the wind…and reading this heart-felt post confirms some of what I’ve been feeling.
I’ve been considering not blogging as much about my boys and the hubs and focusing more on my art. Not because I don’t think them worthy of being shared but because, the Bubs is getting to be older and more aware of what I blog about and the Hubs is going through some major health things that I’m sure he’d rather not have blabbed about. It’s out of protection and my respect/love for them that I am considering this. In addition, my art biz will be connected with my blog and as more specifics (contact info, etc.) are made available I don’t want them left vulnerable to scrutiny or to people who would seek to hurt/embarrass them. What that means for Everyday Occasions, I don’t know…
I think this is a crossroads that many moms who have web businesses are coming to. For me, it was a relief to know that I wasn’t the only one contiemplating this! Be a good topic to speak on at the next Blissdom, pehaps?
Thank You, Darcy.
I use our first initials but I use my name when I comment on people’s blogs
Tammy´s last blog ..Happy Birthday Baby Boy!
Darcy – you really are a thoughtful mother and a ‘mother hen’ to all us newbie bloggers as well. I appreciate your desire to help others be successful. I noticed that about you way back and I’ve made major decisions according to your advice.
My hubby’s a minister and has always asked the kids permission before sharing personal stories. Our older kids have found that endearing and seem to not be scarred by the spotlight. I think that same regard is gracious from us ‘blogger moms’ – especially you FAMOUS ones.
As far as nick names – we have 11 kids – I have a hard enough time getting their real names straight. I’ve chosen a first name basis on the blog without mentioning the exact city we live in. It works for me. I also don’t post links to my kids blogs for obvious reasons.
BTW – I’m loving this blogging experience – thanks to YOU!
Debi´s last blog ..About those Mountains …
There’s been a lot of chatter on this topic recently. I use my real name, but have nicknames for my husband and my daughter. I have the same solid reasons behind that as everyone else.
I think we have to walk a fine line between owning our stories and protecting others. These are OUR stories to tell. As long as you’re not hurting or exploiting someone else in any way, I think it’s important to keep your voice if you desire that.
I understand the bloggers who shutter up, or want to crawl back into their hole after laying themselves bare in a post, but I hate to think about all the stories we’re missing because of fear or over-caution.
laura @ hollywood housewife´s last blog ..this is a production designer
Thanks for these thoughts. Since I have no stories from my childhood, I always thought that our kids would appreciate the moments we’ve jotted down on the blog. I am now reflecting on the opposite side. We started our blog for our family and friends because we moved to China. It was our way of staying connected. Back in 2004, blogging wasn’t anything like it is today. So, yes, we used our names and where we live in China. My purpose for blogging is to record our memories and to not feel so isolated from those who love us the most. That said, somehow we’ve acquired some readership. I have no clue why. So, I’m thinking about making our blog private, but I do feel sad to lose the connection that the blogging world has become.
on the eastern journey´s last blog ..Sianna, this is home!
My 18-year-old son and I were digging back in my archives laughing at some old stuff last night, and I found 2006 posts with names. I really thought I’d cleaned all that up, but looks like I have some editing to do.
Dawn @ My Home Sweet Home´s last blog ..What It Truly Means to Teach
I have been reading through the posts in my in box – I’d like to encourage the bloggers to find a way to keep their activities on line and public. We recently moved to a town where there appears to be no homeschoolers, no Christian moms, and no children. Fear keeps everyone inside and away from the “tourists” at the beach. I set up our blog so that anyone in our situation looking for fellowship will be able to find it, and to share how we homeschool/unschool middle school.
Great writers! Please don’t disappear!
In Real Life, This week I lost my wallet in a public area, and my son left the keys to the car in the lock of the trunk when he retrieved our crabbing gear. Inside were our bags, purse, bills, etc. A couple from a town an hour away turned in our wallet with the change still in it, and no one touched our car. This happened while reading these posts, and giggling at how easy it is for someone who WANTS to, to get our identification, in our mail box, in the phone book, in conversation at the store, following you home, etc.
I am all for keeping business and personal separate, I think that is is a different matter with websites – but here – in the blogging, sharing encouraging world – I have only seen joy – and never heard of bad experiences – other than an overzealous reader.
In conversation In Real Life or on line, it is a good practice to not think/say/do anything that you wouldn’t want plastered on the 5pm local news. I’ve actually learned that lesson in real life. Keep the cute embarrassingly funny stories to share in emails to the family, but even in an email, it can become an online forward sensation quickly.
I encourage you to not let the online mom blog community be so sanitary that we discourage others to join us! Shutting out those who will “never be like them”. Honest. Real. Life.
The theme of hurting the family business, I understand, and the theme of not leading someone to your front door with a handful of personal information, I understand. First Names, General Areas, Nick Names.
But take a trip to your local library – and look through the books that are published. No nick names, no generalities, unless it is fiction. The Sketch book that I am reading has the sketches from her children, and has the address to contact her in the book. The Math book I am reading has his contact information and picture and children’s names. The Newspaper articles I read have names, at least first, and contact @ info.com type communication.
I ask you to look at the fear issue. Really look into it. Who are you afraid of? What will they do? What has God called us to do ? Go and make disciples of all men. How do we do that, if we are unwilling to share how we follow Christ?
If the 40 great blogs who tagged on to this post disappeared into the private sector – it would be a great loss. And remember, it only takes one crazy aunt pearl to forward something you typed, and it is no longer private.
I have REALLY enjoyed reading all of your attached blogs here.
Angie/Pebblekeeper´s last blog ..Walking on Water
This is wonderful and has really gotten me thinking. I recently got married and am seeing my little craft blog turn into more of a home blog. I have recently felt torn even at the amount of public information I was sharing with people on facebook (and those are people I know, not bloggy land people). I want to still speak about me and my husband and one day future children, but I can in a way that I do not use their names or too much public info. I am so glad I am thinking about this now before I have children. I am not sure I have the time or energy to go back and change my husband’s name and I am not ready to delete posts…but I am able to know I can protect my children’s future privacy. Thank you so much for sharing this. It is hard to protect yourself over the internet these days, but just because things change doesn’t mean we shouldn’t still be careful.
There is zero privacy, anywhere, anymore–whether you write online or just live life! It’s why I no longer worry about the fine points of pseudonyms, etc. It’s probably smarter to take ownership of our public identities. Protect our images by being proactive. Preserve family moments by sharing only what we would want in the newspaper if we were suddenly the object of attention…or had a child one day running for President.
Meredith´s last blog ..How To Calm Down When Someone Paints On The Dining Room Table
“It’s probably smarter to take ownership of our public identities.”
That’s a really interesting point Meredith. I hadn’t thought of it that way before. It’s interesting though. Thanks!
I’ve struggled with the whole online identity thing because I started writing online over 14 years ago, using my real name, when the internet was still safe. Or at least when computers were no attraction to creepy people. Nerds have better things to do. ; ) lol I’ve often said that had I known what it would grow into, I would have picked a pseudo name and never looked back. I still debate if disappearing “completely” might not be a good thing.
Over the years I’ve had people call me out of the blue and send letters and packages – after finding my info online. They’ve all been sweet people, but I’m still not sure how I feel about it. As the world keeps getting smaller, I have wondered more than once when someone will show up on my doorstep. And if I even want that.
Good questions. Thanks for the discussion Darcy. : )
Janel Messenger´s last blog ..WP & Commenting Issues
Hmmmm. . . .I guess I’m in the minority here. I started off trying to be anonymous and then my son was born and was so incredibly sick and I wanted the world to pray for him–not just some unknown baby, but CHARLIE. I’ve heard others express this sentiment as well. AFter that, it seemed silly to try to keep my name a secret. LIke someone else said, I don’t really like cutesy nicknames–if you’re going to go that route than just make something else.
My son’s health is what my blog is about. About raising him and dealing with his health on a day to day basis. To remove that information would literally make my blog about nothing at all. I think of my blog as a beacon to other parents–I life preserver when you feel like there isn’t one. Without that element, I don’t think I’d bother to do this. . . who knows? That said, my son’s health issues are so severe that I doubt seriously anyone could meet him and not know that they exist–I’m not sharing something that COULD be kept private.
I guess my final thought is that I think the idea of anonymity is really a farce–people find out. Things are known. If not on the internet then at the supermarket, where your husband works, or within circles of people you hang out with. If you interact with others in any way then you’re exposing yourself to potential issues.
Katy´s last blog ..Good Things